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When Gregory and I split up, I wasn't that dpressed I felt a little remorse, but nothing like losing my children. I felt my entire life was ripped out from underneath me and there was nothing I could do or say to stop it. I felt I was in a hollow existence to fake my way through life as best as I could. I was mad at the entire world for everything bad that had happened to me in my life. I've yet to let go of the past completely, things that have happened will still get me down, but I will eventually persevere.

One day everything will be fine again, matter of fact they will be great and I know that. The unsubstantial nonsense from my life will no longer exist. Friends that I thought were my friends will no longer be in my life. Patty went to court last month to testify against me, someone who I thought was my best friend for almost seven years, and someone who sort of guided me through life, let me down tremendously. She told everything she knew on me, which after seven years was quite a lot. My secrets were out and there was nothing I could do to hide anymore.

Once day my kids will be back with me where they belong and I will inevitably have my life back. It's going to take time but it will happen. I understand now more than ever that I may need help with my codependency on drugs and alcohol. I am very impulsive when I drink, uncontrollable, and often suicidal. I knew death in only the most abstract of senses; I never knew it would be something I would arrange or seek.

I burnt you a few CDs, they all say something about my life or someone in it. Your smart enough to figure it out. Hope you enjoy. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE WORDS!!! PLEASE, OF COURSE.Also I didn't get a chance to put it on any of them, but that song, "Big girls don't cry" By Fergie, that song absolutely kicks ass.

Brittany

Leah,

I want to sincerely apologize for the "multitude" of messages that I left on your voicemail. It sucks to hear some drunken ass acting stupid, doesn't it? I have to admit that I was a little disapointed in that you would not speak to me afterwards, but then quickly realized I would have handled the situation the same way given the circumstances. I am completely embarrassed by the entire ordeal, as I should be. I feel I have disappointed you in a lot of ways. I know you spent a great deal of time with me and put forth maybe some extra effort towards me and I appreciate that a great deal. I thought I could get sober my myself, funny, huh? I bet you knew otherwise. You were obviously right all along, I should have listened to you the first go around. I just hate to do things on other people's terms, they have to be on mine, and mine alone.

Everyone that has come to know me now knows that I am a "alcoholic". I have made it no secret that I drink, nor do I try to hide it anymore. I used to be a little more subtler (yes that is a word) about the whole thing. My persuasiveness to others was unimaginably frightening. People would guess, but I would assure them they had completely misinformed themselves. Then once I decided I wanted help I presented warning signs to everyone around me. I would ever just come out and say, "HEY, I'm a drunk and a habitual drug user, HELP!" Nope, never said that. Warning signs are helpful only if they are heeded. Do you have any idea how many people called me "an alcoholic"? When we call someone "an alcoholic" we imply that alcoholism defines that person. People are putting that particular person in a category with a meaningless label that diminishes their value as a individual human being. I feel that's what people have done to me and that's not what defines me as a person. I like to think of myself as an intelligent human being with enormous potential that I have put to absolutely no use what so ever. So in turn, I have ultimately decided to go to college and get my bachelors degreee, then maybe my masters. You might be completely shocked as to what I am going for, but maybe not. I kept putting it off and putting it off because I thought that for the past three years that I couldn't afford to go to school. HA! I couldn't afford to live. So I came to the conclusion that I could afford to go to school and survive just as I have the past three years. Incase the first attempt doesn't pan out I will present myself with an organized plan that estimates the time needed for improvement and list alternatives. The consequences have become dire for me at this point. When I am sober I am coherent, concise, and nearly complete. All that is left are my girls. I struggle to get out of bed every morning knowing that my children are not there to greet me with their smiles and giggles. Could you believe that I actually miss watching Barney with Emma? I have become completely unmotivated, but it is strange, when I talk to Emma or when I talk to my grandmother about Olivia, I suddenly have this feeling that I will stop at nothing to get them back and I am completely and utterly focused once again. I'm tired of trying to tell people, "I'm fine....." I'm not fine, don't know when I last have been. I think we all try to delude ourselves into saying that, and believing it. Once I finish school and actually have a decent life and start living right I will be just fine and for once in my life, be happy!

I have learned that our past behaviors are our best predictors of our future behaviors. I hope to break this pattern in my life. It's time that I change before it's too late for me. I have learned from older friends of mine that I only have here and now and once I get to a certain age, there is no turning back. I can't go back and erase what I have already done. Trust me, the damage is complete in every possible way imaginable. I felt that if I kept everyone at arms length then no one would get hurt, including myself. So if it got too close for comfort I would hurt them before they hurt me.

I never meant to disrespect you in anyway be leaving those obnoxious messages. I hold you in very high regard and want to thank your for everything you have done to try and help me. Also, thank you for encouraging me to write in my journal, just finished one and got another one.

Social workers seem to have their shit together. I've seen through my personal experiences, and through other people's experiences that a shrink is just a paid friend. All doctors do is prescribe prozac or valium, treatment is just endless psychotherapy. Psychiatrists and psychologists are in control and dominate. These doctors sometimes seem to think that a pill will just automatically make you feel better and then they send you on your way. Surely they were taught more than that in school. However, my children are not just some pill and that would make me feel a lot better. I honestly think in losing my children in January with the alcohol and drugs in the mix, those things have led me to where I am today. While the medicine has helped somewhat, I would disagree with someone who sees it as a solution. EVeryone gets depressed and hurt, it's a fact of life. It's how we handle it that makes us different from the "normal" people.

Have you ever watched a movie where the woman keeps getting mistreated by a man but she always ends up running back to him?

This is what my life is like right now...my ex & I were supposed to be the best of friends once we broke up. We dated for 5 years until I finally broke it off. I loved him and I still love him with all my heart but the problem is I wasn't in-love with him. I tried so many times to tell myself I could change it...that if I tried to look @ all the positives my heart would flutter everytime he'd come around. Eventually I stopped wanting to kiss him or hold hands with him around in public. When we started dating things were "great" we were both happy...I thought I was in love but now I realize I was in need of companioship. I needed to feel loved & he was always there to ensure I was never alone.I gave myself to him 100% to make sure that he was always happy...I put a smile on my face and potrayed to everyone that we were the "perfect" couple.

Only, now is when I come to admit to myself that he was far from the "perfect" guy...I always said that I'd save myself for marriage or for the "right time" and with my ex I just wasn't feeling it. We had sex one time and it just didn't do it for me. After that I decided sex wasn't for me and we waited 2 years to have sex again. At this point the times we had sex it was REALLY painful for me. First he said it was because my body needed to "change" for me to be sexually active...so I waited yet no such change happened.

Then when I had a sharp pain on the right side of my pelvis he brushed it off and went slowly to "shorten" the pain I felt. It came to the point where his kiss and touch repulsed me. While we kissed I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a million other guys so that I perhaps could get in the "mood." We had to buy lubricant because I was always too "dry." He'd always ask me..."can you go down on me"...when I said no he started asking me "why do you not like the smell or something...I heard girls don't like the smell.." after that it became a survey to find out why on earth I didn't want to have his penis in my mouth...Can't you just respect "No!"

I know what you are thinking...why did you stay in the relationship? A) my family LOVED him...they all saw had us mentally wed already...B) I thought he loved me as silly as it might sound..but only now do I realize that when a person truly loves you they'll never cause you that kind of pain...

Then there were the times I cried because of the pain and he asked "can I finish..." How could I say no? I laid there waiting for him to see the pain in my face...the tears streaming down my cheeks and say "baby I love you...I can't do this to you...I'm sorry for putting you through this.." but instead he satisfied his sexual desires while I lost my identity.

Now when we talk about this he tells me that he's sorry..that why do I always have this hate towards him and I'm full of anger when I speak to him. That HE has suffered enough because he lost the "love of his life" and now has to see her in love with another man...

To top it off he cheated on me. When it happened I blamed myself for not giving my all to the relationship. I poured my heart out the entire night when I found all the letters they had written to each other. When he came over the next day I hugged him and told him everything would be fine. We didn't break-up...why?? Because I was afraid of being alone..I was off to a university and I needed someone to be beside me in this new place...

When I started pullig away from him..started hanging out with my girl friends my family criticized me..asking me how I could leave HIM alone...when he loves me. The day I finally broke up with him my family blamed me saying they were certain "I had done something to cause him to go away..." at that point I was scared because it seemed as tho my family loved him more than me.

I will finish this journal later...I need 2 rest for tomorrow....

I now have enough money (finally after a long time) for my little Takeru!

I havea small problem with payment transfer, but thanks to Judith it wouldn't pose as an obstacle. She's such a dear. :)